I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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