She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
