phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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