Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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