I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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