forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
