i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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