Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
