So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
