i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
