I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you never un-have a 4some
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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