??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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