what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
