dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
