pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i love accidental penises.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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