we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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