...so i touched it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
