My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
