i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
