sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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