My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone came in the potted fern
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You are a genius and a whore.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
