i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would fuck him just for his dog
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