Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
