Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
