i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
