So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize