Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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