Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
