so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
