You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My penis needs a shock collar
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
