and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
