If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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