What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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