Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
