i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
