Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We are two peas in an std pod
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
