I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
