Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
