So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
