dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
