how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
