my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
