If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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