I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
