last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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