When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
