i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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