What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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