On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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