It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize