My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
