Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
