I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
