hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
