Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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